i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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