i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
