i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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