Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
