I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
