I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
