I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
