So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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