I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
