I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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