I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize