Moan for me like Helen Keller
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
