I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
