dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
