We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
