found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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