just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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