its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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