So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I think my moral compass just broke
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
