i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
