the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
