if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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