Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
