Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We were destined to go to rehab together
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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