I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
