Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
