Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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