After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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