I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We are two peas in an std pod
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
