After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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