it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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