we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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