I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
