hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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