I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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