i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
