I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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