When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i've created a new STD.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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