i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
