Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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