Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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