My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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