Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
