I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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