I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
