I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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