I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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