Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
