i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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