did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
